What an ugly beast is the ape, and how like us.
Cicero

They talk of my drinking but never my thirst.
Scottish proverb

One more drink and I'll be under the host.
Dorothy Parker

I drink to make other people more interesting.
George Jean Nathan

Inflation has gone up over a dollar a quart.
W. C. Fields

I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since the invention of the funnel.
Malachy McCourt

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
Tom Waits

I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
Dean Martin

In 1932, lame duck President Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
Johnny Carson

I would have made a good Pope.
Richard M. Nixon

Gerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off.
Lyndon Baines Johnson

Ronald Reagan is the Fred Astaire of foot-in-mouth disease.
Jeff Davis

Sure Reagan promised to take senility tests. But what if he forgets?
Lorna Kerr-Walker

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.
Johnny Carson

Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan - a Mount Rushmore of incompetence.
David Steinberg

The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency.
Eugene McCarthy

What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.
Edward Langley

Henry James was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.
William Faulkner

I don't jog. If I die I want to be sick.
Abe Lemons

Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben

A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Anthony Williams

Never eat more than you can lift.
Miss Piggy

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Aristotle

They were such a progressive couple they tried to adopt a gay baby.
Anthony Williams

I'm in a phone booth on the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
Anthony Williams

Recipe (in its entirety) for boiled owl:
Take feathers off. Clean owl and put in cooking pot with lots of water. Add salt to taste.
The Eskimo Cookbook

That man has missed something who has never left a brothel at sunrise feeling like throwing himself in the river out of pure disgust.
Gustave Flaubert

Gary Cooper and Greta Garbo may be the same person. Have you ever seen them together?
Ernst Lubitsch

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know.
Mark Twain

The enemy came. He was beaten. I am tired. Goodnight.
Message sent by Vicomte Turenne after the battle of Dunen, 1658

I happened to catch my reflection the other day when I was polishing my trophies, and, gee, it's easy to see why women are nuts about me.
Tom Ryan

What to do in case of emergency:
1. Pick up your hat
2. Grab your coat
3. Leave your worries on the doorstep
4. Direct your feet to the sunny side of the street.
Anthony Williams