I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
Groucho Marx

Are you going to come quietly or do I have to use earplugs?
From The Goon Show

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
Bertrand Russell

It's really hard to be roommates with people if your suitcases are much better than theirs.
J. D. Salinger

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Jean-Paul Sartre

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.
Frank Lloyd Wright

The breakfast of champions is not cereal, it's the opposition.
Nick Seitz

Toots Shor's restaurant is so crowded nobody goes there anymore.
Yogi Berra

I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
Dorothy Parker

Cogito ergo spud. I think, therefore I yam.
Anthony Williams

I propose getting rid of conventional armaments and replacing them with reasonably priced hydrogen bombs that would be distributed equally throughout the world.
Idi Amin

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve Martin

Working on television is like being shot out of a cannon. They cram you all up with rehearsals, then someone lights a fuse and - BANG - there you are in someone's living room.
Tallulah Bankhead

The unique thing about Margaret Rutherford is that she can act with her chin alone. Among its many moods I especially cherish the chin commanding, the chin in doubt, and the chin at bay.
Kenneth Tynan

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth

God sends meat and the devil sends cooks.
Thomas Deloney

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
Jim Backus

Nature has given us two ears but only one mouth.
Benjamin Disraeli

It is easier to stay out than get out.
Mark Twain

I never know how much of what I say is true.
Bette Midler

I'm as pure as the driven slush.
Tallulah Bankhead

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Oscar Wilde

It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to get up.
W. Somerset Maughan

The higher the buildings, the lower the morals.
Noel Coward

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Johnny Carson

A luxury liner is just a bad play surrounded by water.
Clive James

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
Gloria Steinem

I may have my faults, but being wrong ain't one of them.
Jimmy Hoffa

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy

Success didn't spoil me; I've always been insufferable.
Fran Lebowitz

I'm trying to arrange my life so that I don't even have to be present.
Anthony Williams

We don't know a millionth of one percent about anything.
Thomas Alva Edison

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
William Safire

I am the last of Britain's stately homos.
Quentin Crisp

Shut up he explained.
Ring Lardner

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford

I went around the world last year and you want to know something? It hates each other.
Edward J. Mannix