Does your wife miss you?
No, her aim is perfect.

In the corridor of a government office was a sign: Don't make noise.
Someone added:
We may wake up.

I have changed my mind now.
Does the new one work any better?

His breath of knowledge is as wide as a gnat's back.
Roslyn Garavaglia

We were so poor we used to get donations from church mice.
Anthony Williams

I didn't drink much when I was young. I used to spill most of it going round the corners.
Anthony Williams.

A shitload of toilet rolls.
Anthony Williams.

Am I into wife swapping? Maybe. What do you want to swap her for?
Anthony Williams.

Handy Hint in Viz magazine: "Avoid buying expensive binoculars by simply standing closer to the object you wish to view."

"I'm going as an after dinner mint"
Roslyn Garavaglia having dressed in brown and white.

"I decided to dress like a bruise today"
Roslyn Garavaglia having dressed in blue and pink.

It's impossible not to be going to Italy because all roads lead to Rome. When you get there, try the lemon gelato.
Roslyn Garavaglia

Everyone has the right to be ugly, but she abuses the privlege
Nicholas Puglia

He reads girlie magazines one-handed.
Anthony Williams

Princess Anne herself did not disappoint either; her incredibly bright royal blue fitted frock-coat, compact matching pillbox and prim veil suggested an exciting combination of flight attendant and dominatrix.
Annabel Crabb reporting on the marraige of The Prince and Princess of Wales in 2005

She further reported:
But a stir was caused by Sara Buys, the girlfriend of the new Duchess of Cornwall's son, Tom Parker Bowles.
Miss Buys, a fashion writer, capitalised on the event by attaching to her head an adventurous confection of gold wire and leaf, which resembled nothing so much as an avant-garde canary cage.

We're all familiar with Murphy's Law: "If anything can go wrong, it will." But not many of us know where it comes from. Some say it is named after US Air Force Captain Edward Murphy, an engineer at Edwards Air Force Base in the late 1940s. Murphy was working on a rocket sled project designed to test how much deceleration a human could handle in a crash.
Noticing one day that a technician had wired a critical component wrongly, Murphy remarked, "If there's a way to do it wrong, he'll find it." An air force doctor quoted his remark to the press, and Murphy's Law was born. That doctor, Colonel John Stapp, also came up with a law of his own. It's known as Stapp's Ironical Paradox: "The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle."

There is something of a movement today towards uncluttering our lives. There are a dozen self-help books on the subject (Rule one: "Stop reading self-help books").